2006 - Year of the Rabid Cheese Monkey

Howdy ho you invisible or visible Rabid Cheese Monkey Fans! Start of a new year for all of us. How did your Partner in Insanity start the new year? In bed in my tree, sick as a dog. Ah well, some might think that may be a sign this year will be a shitty year. I say to that - Fuck that, I am not into that superstitious bull shit. This year will be no shittier than other years, so what's the difference? Now I could do a 2005 Year In Bites And Dick Welts... but fuck that shit too (although I was sorely tempted to do so.) I am not going to bore you with that bullshit. What I am going to is rant. Preach my gospel to my fellow Insaniteers!

Without further adieu....

Lately not much has irked me into a Cuss-A-Thon©. Ok I am bullshitting. Seems like some of the topics I have mentioned before have caused me to get my blood boiling again. Oh wait, if I just stop sitting on this hot plate.... Ok, now I could add a new verse to the "On the road of life there are may assholes" about this former HS football player turned meth head and drunk that works for some unknown company that said I wasn't intelligent and a bunch of other shit. But I figure to just say "Fuck that loser" and move on. Besides I don't know him from shit and only way I'd be able to ID him in a crowd is to smell where the booze or meth is coming from. I could rant on about how JEL and their newest retarded tactics. But I know eventually Ballsack will need to think about Valentines day and get McGreedy or his newest gay love fling something, so the money JEL needs will be smoked [badum ching!] away. Oh I could speak oodles about Fat Gay Bob. But I know his day of the apocalypse is coming so no sense in wasting my time over that shit. Should I complain nobody reads this shit? Fuck no. I don't give a fuck. I could rebitch about bitches, but again there is no need to do that.

Soo.. How about this? I DON'T rant. Why not, for a change, say something good? Like my 2 Days After New Year's Resolutions maybe? Ok:

1. I will not bite anybody and give them rabies... will do so anyways, but it sounds good.
2. Lose 5 pounds and go from a tub of lard to a muscle bound monkey with extra rabies.
3. Get some cheese.
4. Get some pussy.
5. Have the ones who are against me get some nasty VD, the clinics be out of meds and die in unfortunate painful ways. (This is the same one I have had for the last 16 years)
6. If that don't happen, somebody just beat the shit out of them till they die or wish they would. (Again a rehash of years prior)
7. Go to a Super Bowl.. Remember I am not a football fan... don't get a ticket and don't give a fuck.
8. Wake each day wanting to be a game designer so I can cruze back to this shit hole of a town totally pimpin with cash to by any bitch in this hole.
9. Be somewhere else when a shit hole of a town in Montana mysteriously and spontaneously blows up.
10. Be caught, be delcared "insane and rabid" by the Judge. Few hours later, everybody in the court room from Judge to Janitor in line for rabies antidote with dick and hand welts.
11. Beat Satan in Ice Hockey.
12. Find that woman that actually wants an adorable rabid monkey that likes cheese. Go back to #4 for what happens after that.
13. Tell the world I found the way to world peace. Sell it to interested parties. Get busted for selling pot.
14. Go to the Office of Youth Tobacco Prevention (the real JEL).. they end up in the line for rabies antidotes with dick and hand welts just behind the Judge.
15. Have them pass a law that says you CAN kill idiots... 3 seconds later get restraining orders from all of Hollywood.
16. Go to the San Andreas fault and see if I can't expedite the "big one".
17. Wake up each morning and realize how great life is. That today will be great and things will go well....
18. ... only to remember life sucks and then we die. That God uses me as his personal latrine and I will die alone, rabid and ignored by all. Starts to wonder if I am manic depressive....
19. To fucking say the mother fucking word fuck as fucking many motherfucking times I fucking can... Ok that was dumb even by my standards....
20. To tell my family, friends, fans of this site, and close ones "I love you" at least once a day... And tell anybody else "Fuck you!" once a day. The real assholes end up in line next to #14 and #10.

So that is my 2 Days After New Year's Resolutions. So far I have done well. Nobody is hurt or in jail. Also the last I checked I wasn't wanted in any state for any reason. The year is young and I have plenty of time to fuck around. Last year could have been better... so could the year before... and the year before... and the year before... Ok you get the point.

I don't get these New Years Resolutions anyways. They are a list of things you want to do, but won't because you are too drunk at Midnight to even know what a list is. Guess its to make us feel better we are failing to meet our expectations and want to change it this year the same way we tryed last year. Ah well... just remember: You don't have to make achievable goals at the stroke of midnight on 1/1/2006 to succeed. You can do that anytime you want and can do it if you put all your might into it.

So Happy New Years my Partners in Insanity. Now give me your cheese tray or I will give you rabies and you will be in a long line for the antidote.